This is kind of a random post but it’s something that’s been on my heart. I apologize if this post is all over the map but it’s somewhat difficult to pinpoint my thoughts in an organized way with this subject.
Let’s see how it goes…
Note: Blended family talk is complicated. Fill in the stepparent/stepchild titles how you see fit. Personally I think of my stepchildren as my own but for technical purposes and to make this *hopefully* easier to understand, I’ve inserted “step” to decipher relationships between family members.
Divorce sucks. Period. It’s tough on the couple as individuals and it’s even tougher if children are involved. That doesn’t even bring extended family into the picture. I haven’t experienced a divorce in my own adult relationship but as a child, I’ve experienced two. As an adult, I married my husband who had been married previously and was in a stepparent position along with having two biological children. So he came from a blended family and we now have a blended family together as well.
In my experience, divorcing at any point after blending a family sucks even more and can make things even tougher. There are even more people involved and it can be a confusing time for everybody. Should children stay loyal to the bio parent? Do the children and stepchildren (siblings) continue visiting with each other after their parent and stepparent are divorced? Is visitation between stepparent and stepchild okay after divorce?
If you were to talk to couples and children of blended family divorce, you’d probably get several different answers. What happens in a blended family once the couple, well, “un-couples”, depends on the status of each relationship involved within the blended family. So basically a million different things can happen. I don’t think there is any “normal” solution because the dynamic of each family is so different but here are just a few scenarios that are a possibility and my thoughts and experiences on each.
Co-parenting.
Just like in a divorce of two people with a biological child, co-parenting might also be an option for a blended family couple if they want to continue relationships with the children involved. This scenario always works best if the couple is able to get along. You don’t have to be best friends, but it helps to be friendly. If co-parenting is an option, then what happens if there are stepchildren involved?
Visitation with stepparent and stepchild.
Obviously this is up to the discretion of the parents and children involved. If a stepparent and stepchild have a good relationship, I personally think continued visitation would be welcoming to both parties. I also understand it could be hard on the biological parent. When my mom and stepdad divorced I was an adult and had already moved out of the house. When I moved out, my relationship with my stepdad wasn’t the greatest. Visitation after divorce wasn’t really a thought because I had a small child and was focused on caring for him. I never really dealt with the divorce of my mom and stepdad. I was right around 20 years old and just kind of “sided” with my mom. I still considered my stepdad and my stepbrother as part of my family.
Visitation ceased for a very long time after the divorce. Things started to change for the better as my siblings and I got older and could make decisions for ourselves. Things changed even more after learning my stepdad had passed away unexpectedly at the age of 47 last year. This brought up old hurts along with happy and painful memories and made me wish I hadn’t gone so long without beginning to mend our tattered relationship sooner. Mike’s passing also brought all of my siblings and I closer together.
I felt like there was a lot of wasted time where we could have all spent more time together. That’s the tough part. You always think you have more time.
The biological parties go their separate ways.
For example, a mother and her biological child would walk away and the other parent and their biological child would walk away, cutting all ties. Although very sad, this could be beneficial to some families. An example would be if there has been any type of abuse – whether it be physical, emotional or verbal – between the parents and/or the children or a combination of either.
If relationships between family members (other than the couple) are okay and intact, I would encourage supporting children’s relationships with their stepparents if it interests them. It may not be right away and that’s okay. And their minds can change at any time. Sometimes relationships in blended families just kind of dissipate, like relationships within biological families can.
Other things that may happen…
Just like in first marriages, the family you married into could “wash their hands of you” (and your children) after the divorce. We can’t control how others feel about us. While hurtful, it can also feel very freeing and authentic. You know their true colors now. In my experience, if somebody didn’t support my mom after divorce, I wasn’t open to a relationship with them. You can’t badmouth my mom and expect me to be friendly towards you. That’s just how I feel.
However, some extended family members of the family you married into might continue to welcome you with open arms. They have more of a, “You’ll always be a part of our family” mentality. Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn’t. As a child of second marriage divorce, I appreciated the relatives from my stepdad’s family who approached our relationship in this way. I’m still very appreciative and that’s how I would hope to approach the situation if it presented itself.
One helpful piece of advice…
Before ever getting married, it would be a good idea for the couple to talk about what they’d like to happen if a separation or divorce occurs. In the midst of divorce there can be a lot of hurt feelings, anger, resentment and sadness (just to name a few). It’s not the best time to make life-changing decisions that hugely impact the lives of you and your child(ren).
The ages, experiences and maturity levels of all involved will play a big role in determining how life after blended family divorce will work.
The longer the children and stepparent have been in each other’s lives, and the closer they’ve become, the more difficult the divorce may be for them. My advice is for everyone to be open and honest with each other and supportive of each other’s feelings. I would suggest not pressuring anybody to spent time with somebody they don’t want to spend time with. Ultimately it’s up to the parents to decide what they think will be best for their children.
I’m not a professional by any means, just sharing my thoughts based on my personal experience. You have to do what works best for you and your children. If you aren’t exactly sure, I highly recommend chatting with a therapist.
from Lifting Makes Me Happy http://www.buildyourdreambody.com/what-happens-in-a-blended-family-when-it-breaks.html
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