In the grand scheme of things, I’m probably considered a relatively “new” stepmom. But, the situations I’ve experienced on this seven year journey make me feel at least somewhat qualified to write about the philosophy I have about stepmotherhood. I think it’s also important to mention that I’ve been a stepchild since the age of about 8. My experiences have given me plenty of insight and I wanted to share some of that with you.

I am not an expert and don’t claim to be.

My Stepmom Philosophy: 7 Years In - via LiftingMakesMeHappy.com

Definition of stepmother:

ˈstepˌməT͟Hər/

noun

a woman who is married to one’s father after the divorce of one’s parents or the death of one’s mother.

My husband and I have been together since early 2007. We were married in 2009. Going in to our relationship he brought two children, I brought one and we also have one child together.

My Stepmom Philosophy

Let it be known that blending families is a delicate thing. Family dynamics vary widely as do the personal backgrounds of everyone involved. The relationships between everyone affect the dynamic. I don’t normally use terms like biological and step in day-to-day life but for the sake of this article, it’ll make things less confusing I think!

Stepmoms come from all walks of life. Some go into a new marriage having their own children and some go into a marriage with no children and are thrown into stepmotherhood, which seems super scary to me. I must give those moms some extra kudos and good vibes. There is no parenting handbook. And there sure as hell isn’t a stepmom parenting handbook. We get to navigate these waters on our own.

Hooray!

My Stepmom Philosophy: 7 Years In - via LiftingMakesMeHappy.com

My Stepmom Rules:

Treat my stepchildren like my own. Some disagree with this idea. That’s okay. However, as a stepchild myself, I remember the day that I first heard my stepdad refer to me as his daughter. I want my stepchildren to feel the way he made me feel that day. While he and I didn’t always get along, he and his family welcomed my mom and her children in with open arms. I can only speak for myself but if you’re a stepparent, I think most stepkids would appreciate feeling like they’re “yours”. Your situation may vary.

I will not compete with the bio mom. Period. I won’t try to have “firsts” with the children that their mom would probably appreciate having. Whatever I feel I’d be okay with a stepmom doing with my kids is what I stick to. I won’t buy them things or bring them all over God’s green earth to try to “win” their love either. This becomes more challenging when the idea isn’t reciprocated (for the other bio parent) but I continue to do what I feel is right and respectable and yep, sometimes I feel like banging my head against a wall. To me, raising kids isn’t about trying to beat out the other biological parent, it’s about being the best parent you can be for your child. As your child matures, they will appreciate the parents who don’t “play games”.

Treat the biological mom how I’d want a stepmom to treat me. So, I’m nice. That’s it. My husband says too nice. I’m also respectful. Communication between parents in blended families can be handled many different ways. Sometimes the mom and stepmom communicate better than the mom and dad. This is the case with us sometimes. One thing my husband and I make sure of is that there’s communication between the kids and mom on birthdays (if kids are with us) and offering more time for Mother’s Day. (Example: My husband has 50/50 custody of the kids and we exchange weekly on Sundays at 4pm, so sometimes they wake up at our house Mother’s Day – other years we get them back for the week later in the day. We’re always open for offering them to go back early.)

I always put the kids FIRST. Bio and step! I’ve learned through personal experience that this seems to be a really tough thing for some parents and stepparents to do. I’m not sure why. No matter what kind of family drama is going on between the exes and ourselves or whomever, I always put my children’s feelings first. When you bash a child’s parent, it hurts THE CHILD. When you say something negative about a child’s parent, it hurts THE CHILD. When you use a condescending tone while talking about a child’s parent, it hurts THE CHILD. When you tell them things and tell them not to tell their other family, it hurts THE CHILD. When a parent makes themselves seem better than the other parent, it hurts THE CHILD. Try as you might, sometimes things may slip out if you’re dealing with a very unpleasant ex – but I’m talking more about the parents who do this maliciously. And often. If more parents would just put the kids first, it would alleviate a lot of unnecessary headaches. Putting children in the middle is good for nobody… although the self-serving adults that do it may think it’s good for themselves, which is sick.

I never say negative things about the bio mom in the kids’ presence. I wouldn’t like to hear people bashing my mom. Can you imagine how a child feels when you’re telling them their other parent is *insert bad word here*? We choose the parents of our children and while sometimes it doesn’t end up working out very well, I feel we still need to show respect in front of the kids. They didn’t choose their parents! I am open and honest with my children and stepchildren and if there has been definite intent to cause hurt feelings to myself or anyone else, I am very careful with the words I use and the tone I say them in. I have to defend myself and my family when necessary and I do so carefully. Venting (and/or seething anger) is definitely for another time.

Vent as needed. I can almost guarantee you’ll have reasons to vent from time to time. You can vent to a good friend, a therapist or by writing an unsent letter (or a blog post, HA!). I typically vent to my good friend Sarah (because she brings the humor!), my stepmom (because she IS a stepmom!) and my mom. My mom always seems to know how to respond to the things I share with her. She also has experience with dealing with other mothers and stepmothers in her own children’s lives and she has stepparents as well. It’s better to vent and move on then to let anger stew in your head.

I’m a parent, not a friend. My stepkids were very young (barely 5 and almost 3) when their dad and I got married. He started receiving 50/50 custody about 7 months after we started dating so they’ve been around the both of us half the time since then. I was also a stay-at-home/work-at-home mom up until our youngest started Kindergarten. This meant initially I spent a LOT of time with all of our children and I was the one parenting them the majority of the day while my husband was at work. Had my stepchildren been older when my husband and I got together, I know things would be different but I can’t speak on that because it’s not my experience. My philosophy will always remain being a “parent” first and friend second. My mom taught me well! Kids need their parents for their entire lives. We don’t stop being parents when our children turn 18.

I don’t sacrifice any of my children’s feelings for anyone. This can happen a lot when biological parents have a new partner. They fear upsetting their partner over upsetting their own children so their partner’s feelings comes first. This will backfire. Grown-ups should act like grown-ups. I’ve read so many stories about children who felt their stepparent took their other parent away. Obviously their bio parent needs to be held accountable as well, they have their own minds and feelings, but regardless it’s still sad.

Parenting is not for sissies. You have to sacrifice and grow up. ~ Jillian Michaels
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It all boils down to something I learned in Kindergarten. My focus is to treat others how I would like to be treated. Believe me this is not always reciprocated among adults and that is frustrating. You just have to realize there are selfish people out there who are only looking out for themselves – and at their own children’s expense. If you want your stepchildren to love and respect you, you need to do the same for them. I feel very blessed to have the stepchildren that I have. I also work very hard to ensure I’m being the best stepmom I can be to them. For me, loving them is easy, but that doesn’t mean being a stepmom isn’t hard. All types of “parenting” is hard when you love the children unconditionally.

Unconditional love is caring about the happiness of another person without any thought for what…
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Tips for being a loving stepmom - via LiftingMakesMeHappy.com

Blended family life is not always smooth sailing, but that’s true of every family. Over time things definitely get better as you sort of “find your groove” but there’s always going to be challenging times woven in with the better times. That’s life. And be prepared for exes (on either side) who try and ruin your happiness. This is when it’s more important than ever to focus on you and your family and just keeping doing what’s working well for you and to continue to treat the exes how you’d like to be treated. It’s damn hard at times but it’s still the best thing you can do – for yourself and all the children involved.

Stepparenting is tough. I have great appreciation and admiration for stepparents who truly love and care for their stepchildren. It makes a world of difference in those children’s lives. If you love the children in your life unconditionally you’re already doing the most important thing. All I ever want is for my children to feel loved and while break-ups and divorces happen, I don’t think there’s anything negative about my children having more people in their lives loving them.

Help all the stepmoms of the world break the “wicked stepmom” stigma. As long as you’re a stepmom, there’s time to be better. We won’t ever be perfect but we can always be better. There are plenty of us out there who are loving and caring for children we didn’t carry in our womb, but who we carry in our hearts and minds every single day.

xo Mindi