It’s Tuesday, a new day, which I’m thankful for. I thought I had an appointment with Jennifer today but it turns out I was mistaken. I learned when I went to check in at her office that the appointment isn’t until next week. How in the world did I mess that up? I held back tears as the young receptionist informed me of that. If she thought I was nuts, she hid it well. I certainly felt like I was pretty damn nutty.

I feel like I’ve been forgetting everything lately and it feels like my brain is stuck or something. As soon as I got home I started thinking and feeling like I was having a freakin’ breakdown. I googled “mental breakdown” and it was like I was reading all about my current state. Obviously I won’t diagnose myself but it certainly makes sense. I will be bringing that to Jennifer’s attention during our actual session…next week.

In the meantime what I need to do is focus. Somehow. I feel like I’m doing everything in my power to not be calm. Like I’m afraid to sit still and not have my mind racing or working on something. That’s not normally how I operate. I crave downtime and relaxing when I’m able to but it’s like lately I just will. not. stop. Since I have another week before my next session, I should take Jennifer’s advice and write a letter to Mike to help externalize all of my unresolved thoughts and feelings towards that entire situation. That seems like a mountain of a task that I’ve been really apprehensive about starting, but I know that I need to.

For today, my top tasks are to start writing that letter and get a good run in. I think if I do the run first, it’ll help me calm down and think about the things I’d like to say in the letter. Obviously Mike will never receive the letter but unsent letters are a way to externalize thoughts and feelings and I think it’ll help me figure out how I’m feeling in the first place. There are so many mixed emotions I have about him and they go far beyond sadness and anger. I also feel thankful, appreciate, hurt, loved… the list goes on.

After I read about breakdowns, I hopped onto Facebook to message a very good friend of mine. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s dealing with heavy mental issues and dumping it on other people. I’m so thankful I have a handful of super supportive people but when you’re struggling it’s hard to not feel guilty about bringing their mood down by confiding in them, you know? See how depression can be such a downward spiral? It’s disgusting.

*****

After clicking back to my home feed, I noticed a video that brought me wayyyyyyyy back.

Nick Carter on DWTS

See, there was a time when I was a diehard Backstreet Boys fan. (A.J. was my fave) It was legit craziness. I made pillows, I made t-shirts and tank tops, I had posters and I even made a big binder showing my true BB fan craziness. It was full of clipped photos and interviews from magazines. I remember going to concerts (including one in San Francisco with my grandpa when I was ~15 – what an awesome grandpa right??) and buying all their CDs and listening to their music constantly. They were basically taking over the world during my first dance with depression. It’s weird how listening to their music now brings me right back to where I was at that point in my life. But it doesn’t make me sad, it feels familiar. It’s like comfort food for my ears.

I watched this dance four times before I finally hopped on the blog to write this post. It made me laugh and I really enjoyed the interview prior to the dance. It seems like Nick has definitely been through some things – you can feel the pain behind his tears – and I admire his perseverance and fight to rise above it all.

If you were/are a Backstreet Boys fan, I hope you enjoyed this video as much as I did. This is easily one of the highlights of today and I’m soaking it up.

Mindi

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