Nicole Thomason's Blog: An Unwelcome Visitor

It’s been so long since I’ve posted, I’m not sure who I’m writing this for (or to) at the moment but there’s a shift happening and I feel like this blog is the place to document it. My experience with depression began long before this blog was started but starting this blog and maintaining this blog (and my fitness) over time has definitely made a huge positive impact on that life challenge. I’m writing today from the other side. The deeper, darker, tougher, almost-impossible-to-get-motivated side. The side I was on not so long ago and desperately want to get away from again.

Depression is back. I’m not sure if it just resides inside me and reveals its ugly self during tough times or if it actually left and came back. It’s unclear to me whether depression ever really leaves or if you just learn to cope with it. It’s an unwelcome visitor either way.

2015 has been brutal.

I have lost a loving, loyal companion. (January 5, 2015)
I have lost my childhood stepparent. (April 7, 2015)
I nearly lost another loved one very shortly after my post about Kira Martin. (August 5, 2015)
My grandma and one of my biggest encouragers was in a terrible car accident less than two weeks ago (thankfully she’s okay and on her own journey of healing).

All of this has obviously been weighing heavily on my heart since the beginning of the year and has just been compounding over time as the burden gets heavier and heavier and you can only stay strong for so long before you break. I could feel that break almost instantly. It started on Sunday, September 20th which also happened to be a terrible anniversary for me. The “anniversaries” of my sexual abuse are definitely locked into my sub-conscious because for the past several years I haven’t really thought about it much on the exact day. I will usually realize an anniversary has passed after the fact but it doesn’t bother me like it used to. Until this time. On Sunday I felt like I was losing my mind. At first I thought it was just that day and everything would be fine and return to normal again the following day, but it didn’t.

The pain I was feeling didn’t lessen AT ALL. Obviously most of the turmoil and pain I was feeling wasn’t from what had happened to me on that night in 1998, it was just what pushed me over the edge after everything myself and my family has been through this year. All of the sudden everything feels incredibly tough and I have very little motivation just to get through the day, which is difficult considering I’m at the head of a big, blended family.

I don’t wanna get in to too much today since I have so many things to talk about (and this is already getting long!), but it’ll be coming out in spurts over the coming days, weeks and months. I’ll definitely try to post about other things in between so I don’t make my blog too depressing. I fully intend on sharing my honest experiences but I also intend to share helpful tidbits and/or positive takeaways for my readers too. Even though they’re hard to see, it’s important to think about all of the positive things too – they’re always there even if they seem tiny.

I don’t write all this to put all my dirty laundry into the interwebs, I write all this because I would anyway and I publish it because I know there are other people out there hurting (just try getting in to see a psychiatrist… good gosh it’s difficult) and I know for me personally it’s comforting to read about similar experiences others are dealing with because it makes you feel like you’re not alone. If there’s somebody else out there fighting, it makes me want to fight too.

Depression sucks but that doesn’t mean life has to suck.

Here’s to starting a new journey to healing, health and happiness.

And here’s something to make you laugh:

no half ass just full ass