Today’s post is more of the mental health variety, specifically for stepmoms. If you aren’t a stepmom, please feel free to share this with somebody you know who is or use the menu above to read other content that may be more relevant to you. :)

First a little background…

Let me first start off by saying that I’m a bio mom and a stepmom. My parents divorced when I was six years old and they both remarried. My stepdad passed away in 2015 several years after he and my mom divorced. What I’m about to lay out in this post isn’t just fluff coming out of my butt. I feel both sides of the mom/stepmom roles and I hope I’m able to offer some things that may help you based on my experiences because I’m a stepchild and a stepparent myself.

My experience as a stepchild helps me understand where my own stepchildren are coming from and what their feelings are. I’m able to understand what has/makes me feel loved as a stepchild and pass that on to them. I’ve also learned some things not to do. I’m not a professional in the clinical sense but I know some stuff.

Maintaining a positive attitude as a stepmom is especially challenging. It can feel like you’re alone and going against the grain much of the time so it’s important and so, so helpful to do what you can to stay positive and protect your mindset.

My quick note to the world about stepmoms:

We’re not all bad, none of us are perfect and most of us really do have our stepkids’ best interests at heart.

A supportive husband helps tremendously in addition to everything I’m about to share with you. I’m so thankful for Roger. Besides all of our amazing kids, he’s the reason why I continue to do my best despite the circumstances he and I both deal with at times.

How to Maintain a Positive Attitude As a Stepmom

8 Ways to Maintain a Positive Mindset As a Stepmom via LiftingMakesMeHappy.com

Let your husband deal with his ex-wife. In our situation my husband and his ex-wife do not get along so for several years I would try to mend the fences but all that did was make me crazy. It took almost 10 years before I took myself out, stopped trying to reassure her that I wasn’t taking her place and now I just focus on our household. If they can’t get along, it’s not my fault and it’s not up to me to make sure everything is perfect for the kids. This took me so much longer to realize than I care to admit. As a child I was happy that my parents were friendly with each other but that simply cannot be the case in our situation at this point. And sometimes that’s just how it is.

Take care of yourself first. You’ve heard the saying… “you can’t pour from an empty cup”. Take the time to do the things that you love to do. I think all of us moms can get lost in the mom life and lose ourselves a little bit (or who am I kidding? A lot). Getting up a little earlier or staying up a little later to have that time to yourself can help you recharge and be ready to tackle the day. When you’re taking care of yourself, you’re better prepared to take care of others.

Workout. I workout to clear my head and the benefit is that it makes me healthier and stronger mentally and physically. Us stepmoms can use all the help we can get! Whenever I feel stressed, I take it out on my workouts. I use that negative energy for something good. It flows through my body, fuels my workout and then it’s gone. *Poof* My husband does the same thing.

Don’t worry, just do you. This isn’t always easy. It’s very clear to me that there’s a double standard when it comes to stepparents. When stepdads step in and help take care of a child, they’re a hero.

Read: Why It’s Easier to Love a Stepfather than a Stepmother

When stepmoms step in and help take care of a child, they’re trying to replace bio mom or they’re a witch. There are always bad apples in every bunch and that goes for any and all types of parents! If your heart is in a good place and you’re doing what’s best for the kids, don’t worry about what anyone thinks. Stepmoms are oftentimes disliked whether they’re a great “mom figure” or not.

You can’t control how others perceive you – especially your stepchild’s mother.

Brush off the bullshit. I could’ve had a better choice of words here maybe but I’m calling it like I see it, and how many of you may see it as well. Sometimes that’s really all it is.

There are two things that really make me want to take a trip down to the basement to hit my punching bag:

Unnecessary conflict over tiny issues
Bio mom siding with the kids over the other bio parent

If you have to deal with it… all you can do is brush it off and keep doing your thing.

Join stepmom support groups online. There are tons of these! These are places that will make you realize that you definitely aren’t alone. You’ll quickly notice that other stepmoms will have a lot in common with your situation.

Search Facebook for stepmom/stepdad/stepparent support groups
Stepmom Magazine Support Forum
Stepmom Support Page on Facebook
SMOMS Stepmoms On a Mission
Browse #twitterstepmoms hashtag on Twitter

Vent freely and openly to someone who has your back. Having at least one supportive friend or family member you can talk to will make all the difference in the world. It can also be your husband. Some bio moms are just hell bent on making you go crazy because they think they can. Venting is all you can do. Don’t try to make sense of things. You’ll never be able to make sense of somebody who doesn’t think the way you do.

Set boundaries. If you don’t set boundaries you’ll drive yourself crazy. My new boundary is mostly no contact and I wish I had done this a long time ago. Regardless of bio mom telling me she appreciates my help and coming to her with things regarding her kids, I can tell that that isn’t the case as the kids get older because they tell me things they heard their mom say that made her feelings towards me (and my husband) very clear.

In the beginning I wondered if I could really handle being a stepmom but as time goes on, I’m so thankful my husband has given me the opportunity and that I hung in there. There’s no question that it’s been one of my biggest challenges, and will continue to be, but it’s made me so much stronger and I know I’m trying my best even when it’s hard. And the most rewarding part is knowing that my stepchildren feel loved by me. That’s all I can want for them because all I ever wanted was to feel loved and accepted by my own stepparents.

When either of my stepparents would refer to me as their daughter, it made me feel loved and accepted. It didn’t make me feel like they were trying to replace my birth parents. Funny how different the viewpoints are between children and the adults.